. . .And It Was Just One of Those Things. . .

Right, so people do those things where it is like "name a memory about me" or "describe me in one word" and I guess this is, one of those things.  So, I was wondering, if I left, never came back, and you never heard from me again, what would you miss most about me? 

Currently Listening Unsent By Alanis Morissette see related

Heart and Drum Beats

it's late at night again and i'm listening to slow piano

there's brushes in the background and you know i think of you

but i don't know what i can chalk it up to this time

i'm always like this late at night when i should be sleeping

when you'd be sleeping

when i'd be sleeping in your bed

the bed i'll never feel again.

I'm always like this when i hear the sad songs

when i hear the melancholy melodies

fuck when i hear rap, you're there

you're always there

in every eighth note

in every measure

in every lyric

you're right there, but not beside me.

If i could sing my way back to you, i would

If only it could better explain my pain

If only it would matter

If only it could have saved me when I shatter.

How cruel and yet how just it must be for me,

a girl so used to getting what she wants

to lose

for once

for life

Because y'all knew this was coming sooner or later. . .

So maybe I like being cryptic.  It feels a little safer, you know? And I really like song lyrics, especially when they fit my situation exactly.

It's amazing
How you make your face just like a wall
How you take your heart and turn it off
How I turn my head and lose it all

It's unnerving
How just one move puts me by myself
There you go just trusting someone else
Now I know I put us both through hell

I'm not saying there was nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
I'm not saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn't wanna let it get away from me

But if that's how it's gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's gonna stand, when
You know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out

It's aggravating
How you threw me on and you tore me out
How your good intentions turn to doubt
The way you needed time to sort it out

I'm not saying there was nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
I'm not saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just couldn't ever let you get away from me

But if that's how it's gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's gonna stand, when
You know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out

The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out

I'm not saying there was nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me

But if that's how you're gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's gonna stand, when
You know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out

Tell me is that how it's going to end
When you know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
And the one you're leaving out

The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out.

Right, I'm done. Well, almost, I got four days, it's day two so three days now.  First semestre was a blur, and we'll see what happens this time around. I have nothing more to say. 

Well, somethings in this world, you just can't change
and somethings you can't see until it gets too late.

Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after two a.m. . .

. . .And talked a little while about the year. . .

Wow, so two thousand six is over.  I can't believe it.  So much has happened to me this year. . .

The first lines:

hello two thousand six.

I'm a freak and I'm nervous when it's easy

YAY for actually using the premium features!!!!

Georgia on my Mind. . .

And you owe me nothing in return. . .

Warm, Summer Rain

4th of July, Asbury Park

August and Everything after

it's been one week since you looked at me

October Air Reminds Me of. . .

would you light my candle?

Things I will never say outloud. . .

not the most interesting things, really.

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before:  hmmm, go to college, find true love, live without my family, make a vocal group, make friends in different countries, meet people from missouri, drive through those things that block you from driving when a train is coming, toilet paper someone's house, live in the same house as four guys, lead 50 people through philly, see the goo goo dolls, have good friends in the hospital

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?  I don't remember.  I should write them down this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? no, I don't think

4. Did anyone close to you die? not unless you count steve irwin and james brown.  i wasn't too close with saddam.

5. What countries did you visit? France, England, Andorra, and Spain.  Lots this year, i'm happy!

7. What date(s) from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? January 7th (winter ball) January 28th (my car got saran wrapped) february 24-march 10 (french kids here) March 31st (got into hopkins! fuck, yeah!) April 6-22 (in france = time of my life) May 12th (prom weekend, good god) May 15th (lock in, hell yeah!) June 15th (graduation) July 12-16 (toronto) July 28th (goo goo dolls!!!) Septembre 10th (tanmay = love) woo, lots of dates!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?  getting into hopkins and passing first semestre! not killing anyone, including myself, sneaking chinese food into school and not getting caught, making a vocal group and getting two solos in the first concert, and of course, telling everyone i was gonna date some random kid i met on facebook and actually doing it.

9. What was your biggest failure?  only just passing.  not doing all i set out to do.  lying, being a hypocrit, the amount of car accidents i get into, talking behind people's backs, leading you on, needing you.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?  oh my god, yes! when i fell down the stairs going to chem! roar! and my brain and how it sucks.

11. What was the best thing you bought?  well, my orange tie-dye pants are the shit, and definitely the flail i bought tanmay.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Tanmay's because somehow, for some reason he hasn't dumped me yet, Allison's for keeping me sane, and Steve's for keeping me grounded.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?  mine, at times, some people on my floor, some guys i know, etc.

14. Where did most of your money go? food and clothes, mostly

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? France and the french kids! going to hopkins! meeting new boys!  woot!

16. What songs will always remind you of 2006? hmmm, cable car, how to save a life, sexy back, london bridge, and all that crap by fall out boy and panic! at the disco

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? sadder in ways and yet so much happier in others
ii. thinner or fatter? oh, i don't know, i always fluctuate by like 20 pounds
iii. richer or poorer? richer, maybe? i got 500 bucks for christmas
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? living, traveling, studying, learning, singing, sleeping, being happy, exercising
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? complaining, talking, expressing, eating, caring
20. How did you spend Christmas?  at Matt's house, like always.  his mom is the best cook ever, and then with my grandfather.  dinner at half time
21. Did you fall in love in 2006?  oh yes, and i fell hard.
23. How many one-night stands? i don't know if i woould call 'em one night stands, but i did have a couple random make out sessions.
24. What was your favourite TV program? Boy Meets World, ER, and Will and Grace as always. I don't watch new stuff
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? not really, there are just certain people i'm losing touch with.

26. What was the best book you read? not much time to read, stiff, i guess? not crime and punishment, i'll tell you that much.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? the fray!  i love them!  and the new red hot chili peppers cd
28. What did you want and get? into hopkins, into a vocal group, a sexy smart boyfriend, out of lansdale (all of the things I wanted last year and didn't get)
29. What did you want and not get? really fit and healthy, but that's my own fault.
30. What was your favourite film of this year? the departed, maybe? V for Vendetta, definitely not Manon de Source, i did like accepted, clerks 2, and the illusionist
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 18, baby! hell, yeah! in france with pierre and co and his family.  it was pretty awesome, i'd do it again if i ever had the chance.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? certain people getting hit by a bus?  girls realising that leggings do not equal pants?  my brain making sense?
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? hmmm, not preppy.  Somewhat bohemian, but clean.  bright colours or earth tones, but never boring. "I've got style," says G-pie 
34. What kept you sane? the sanity I have left has been maintained by Tanmay and Allison.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I don't know. I always love Clinton and Johnny Depp.
36. What political issue stirred you the most? maybe intelligent design, abortion, stem cell research
37. Who did you miss? Anne, Steph Jaouen (we don't hang out nearly enough) and all my friends that i don't see b/c of college.
38. Who was the best new person you met? errr, Tanmay? hahah, and Manders! and i could never forget my sexy roommate Rachel! and there are all the awesome guys on my floor.
9. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006: Don't be afraid to meet new people.  go up to them, message them randomly. you never know what can happen that way. However, be cautious about saying out loud how you feel because once again, you never know what can happen.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.  

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

She don't want no one around
Cause she don't want anybody to see
What she looks like when she's down
Cause that's a really sad place to be
Pretty soon she gets them crawling up the walls
Then she wonders why they beg her please to never call
She says, "I'm OK. It's alright.Hey, look who's on TV
tonight"
She says, "I'm alright, I just can't get home tonight"
Don't you wonder why it's dark outside at night?
She says, "I'm alright, I just can't get home tonight"

and that's about it. wow.  the end. Two thousand six, I'll miss you.  I'll miss senior year, disney trip, France, Nasc, Toronto, Pittsburgh, orientation, graduation parties, hanging out in cars, at ihop, walmart, borders, barnes and noble, houses, etc. I'll miss the friday tradition, not having to work hard, knowing my teachers, max stix, cinnamon pretzel bites, the political debates, super quizzes. I'll miss seeing you everyday and being a constant part of your life.  I'll miss not having to worry. though you got depressing by the end, you were still a lot of fun.  I'll never forget you.

Two thousand seven: you hold such promise. Don't let me down. Come on, you have a seven! I'm intrigued to see what this year brings.

 

It's been a Long December, and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last. I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass.

prologue

looking back on life i miss my poetic drive

and how i used to be able to write about nothing

but i guess it goes to show that i can't write well when i'm remotely happy

huh

apparently, i'm a little more than remotely happy, so it seems

I'm gonna try this again, though

See where it takes me, see where it leads

poetry's always been the one thing i could count on to help me out

words will never let me down.

i.

it's glorious to not have to wake up alone

as simple as that

beautiful to be warmed by something other than blankets

wonderful to awaken to a strong embrace

fabulous to know in your heart that he feels the same way

productive though? no, something it's not

ii.

speaking of being productive, why were we because i'm not

i can't bring myself to read something i so loathe

but then again i can hardly bring myself to read anymore

what is happening to me? what have i become?

i don't know what i'm doing at all anymore

i mean

obviously, i can handle this because i'm here

they must have seen something in me, in all of us

aahh, the elusive they.  who is they? and what do they know?

i wish i knew what they know i'll be

it would be so much easier that way.

iii.

i love to run

HA!

no, no seriously, i do

at least, i'm convincing myself of this a little more each day

in search of self betterment i am

(speaking like yoda, i do)

and when i run, i don't think

which is awkward because that's when most people can

but i don't

and i love it

counting down the minutes is a favourite past time of mine

pushing the envelope, watching my legs gain speed

my legs could take on the world

i hope that one day they help me do the same

iv.

leo and kate bring me back to the nineties like no one else can

oh, the nineties how i miss them

and yet

yet i wonder if they were that great when we were there

if we even remember them that well, as well as we like to think

our favourite bands are from the nineties

with leads far older than we

with meanings we surely didn't understand in the nineties

with songs we have more recently discovered

every time i watch the boat go down it's a new experience

i can't watch the same movie with the same people

i don't much relish deja vu.

no

no, i don't much relish deja vu

v.

saying good bye to you is a horrible thing

good bye good night, anything is hard

it's silly, maybe, but it is

i don't think everyone would understand, but i hope that some people do

that i'm not the only one that feels this way

but i don't care as long as we always feel this way

and i can never say good bye to you without intense remorse.

vi.

it's one o'clock on a monday morning and for all i know it could be wednesday already

wednesday, fuck it's monday and i've nowhere near where i should be

i know you told me to go with the flow but i'm out to sea, now, look where it's gotten me

here! yes, but i'll get kicked out of here if i don't do well

hell if i could stand that

but somehow i can manage to stand myself.

epilogue

and so that was a noble try, i like to think

any thoughts?

could you muse like me?

i like it though, for poetry makes the mundane all the more interesting

and

i'd like to believe i lead a fairly interesting life for a gurl of my standing.